I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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