My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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