Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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