Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
