he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
