Welp...herpes.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize