She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
