Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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