u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
