in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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