yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize