I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize