My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
