Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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