Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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