My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
