So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
