how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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