i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
