We named our party play list daddy issues
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
