ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
