never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
