O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
