So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
