This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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