whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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