It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize