Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
