I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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