I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
