Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
