is your mom at the bar?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
