Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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