Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
