hotel room ftw
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Randomize
