I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My liver just broke up with me...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
