I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
