all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
