He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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