just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
