Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
