she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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