I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
