Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
