I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
