I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
