textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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