but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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