I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
