The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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