I am puke
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
there is glitter all over my balls
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