Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize