My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
