I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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