my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
