life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
