If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
