I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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