Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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