I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
