No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
