Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize