don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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