apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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