the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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