Apparently you make a good broom.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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