is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
