im six kinds of drunk right now
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize