Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
