is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
