dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
